tenuous strings

MAY 31–My thoughts are as incoherent as my feelings tonight.

I must be at sleep–I should be. Staying up late at night won’t do any good to me. But what’s the use of tossing and turning on my bed when somewhere in the corner of my consciousness, there’s a dint of reason enough for me to stay awake. I don’t know why am I affected so much. Or perhaps, just maybe, my alter ego was so influential this time around that I believe in him more than I should believe the real guy. But what’s there to believe with the other if he hadn’t or couldn’t (or wouldn’t–Oh Lord!) answer my question right off the bat. Once I was told, “The simplest questions are sometimes the hardest to answer.”

Sorry for the rambling. I hope gut instinct falters me tonight. I hope gut instinct is terribly wrong tonight. Because if it’s not, then this–this whatever kind of connection I am in now held by a tenuous string I’m forcing to weave–gets to be more confusing after all. I do not seek security if I am not so deserving. I only seek the truth.

While I lie on my bed a while ago, earnestly submitting myself before Hypnos, my creative juice suddenly reek of a quote that took off from one of the few lessons I learned from one of my Philosophy classes in college. And it goes: “Love is the maximum of justice. Justice, the minimum of love. And justice need not always have to favor a man. What is important is it is the truth and it is honest–which everyone is so deserving.”

I really hope my gut instinct is wrong tonight.

Confused: "Time to tell me the truth / To burden your mouth for what you say" (Sara Bareilles, Between the Lines)